Tuesday, 2 November 2010
5:15:00 pm
Salam, it 12.33 AM already and I just finished doing my Dental Histology assignment. Wait, I am not totally done with it. I haven't included one tiny detail and I will insert it tomorrow morning? Err. Yeah. I tried to finish it asap so i can blog before going to bed. Lolness. I am not so sure what were the things that I pretty much and desperately want to put here. Right. I am just quite tired to put too much detail at this very moment. Okay okay, I should really get to the point :)
I love this kind of productiveness. somehow. staying up late doing something really productive :D Not just that it takes my mind off things but it makes me feel good. somehow. :) This kind of times somehow... I don't know. It just makes me feel good. and somehow useful? Lol. I feel like I am seeking for something i have left behind? Did not i feel like this a lot back then? Back as in a year or so ago? Six form time? Yeah. Kind of. I somehow tend to automatically recall things in the past when I feel like to. I mean it just occurs out of sudden. I dwell into the past. I think a lot. true lot and parts of those thoughts that i have might actually are not necessary? i know but i could not help it. :)
I know very well that I am quite transparent. as in I cannot lie well, i cannot pretend well. I cannot hide my reactions well. i am pretty much expressive, i think. but somehow i cannot help wondering, does anyone really know me in particular? i guess so. but at times i feel like no one truly knows me well. i suppose this assumption comes out when people don't or can't get what i am trying to say or what is that i want. i can't blame them because i myself cannot be sure what is that i really want at most times. i think complicated? i suppose judging on few 'testimonials' i could not agree less. or more. lol. i am not proud to be complicated, difficult, selfish or etc etc etc. i am tactless at times? like i should think before i say out things? sigh. okay, confession. I HARDLY say NO to people. I do not feel right to say no to people without even trying or putting some effort to give whatever it is that they want. i thought i was just being nice with this kind of behaviour and i did not see that this actually may make things becoming even bad? i wish i can say no to people at times but then.., bla bla bla. out of ten occasions i only manage to say NO like...umm 3 out of 10 situations?i easily feel dejected or rejected when i feel like people do things for me out of their willingness. like the moment i got the slightest bit of hints that i am a burden, i... i automatically back myself off. everyone wants to feel as if they are needed. but then if people do not truly want us should we stay and bug them? i think not.
i am not totally being rejected. no, i am not. but before i got fully rejected, i should take early caution right? i wanna stay on the safe line and i am not sure how i am gonna do that. one of the things, i need not get angry or mad. or resented. getting upset is okay. plus it is unavoidable. and i am not saying this as if i am taking that no one appreciates me. no. of course there are :) just for particular today, i am thankful to have those who feel me. i know i can over react at most of the times. for one thing i cry pretty much easy. well, a friend once said it is one of the ways to express emotions? lol. when i am really mad i end up crying. when i am really happy i end up crying. so for good or bad reasons i just cry. silly much? no comment. :)
at times i keep things to myself and did not blurt it out to some particular people because..well, for one thing, things that we say can change the way things are badly? and in the end i'd regret for saying those things out.
Alright, I should be getting into bed now. tomorrow gonna be a 'heavy' day. Dental histology and skeletal system? i'd surely need enough rest to keep up with tomorrow lectures :)
i really hope when i wake up the next day i'd feel better. not that anything bad did really happen but still, i wanna be.. well i'd just keep that last part to myself.
goodnight earthlings. :)
