Tuesday, 24 August 2010
6:38:00 am
Okay, it seems like I no longer belong to blogging world. I have been thinking to update my blog recently and only now I kind of push myself to do this? lol. Anyway, first of all, I know it is in the middle of Ramadhan already, but yeah,
Selamat Menunaikan Ibadah Puasa to every Muslims in this entire world. Umm, what else... There are things I wanna express here but I am not quite sure how to begin it. Like blog is an alternative 'place' to spill things out right? Few days before Ramadhan I kinda put a set in mind to practice some sort of self meditation during the Ramadhan? I'm not doing that for fun and I know some people might think why would I have to make such a fuss on this meditation thingy. I mean, Ramadhan is the month where everyone
generally be good and avoid making any sins? Physically and emotionally? A duration to cleanse the internal and external of our mind and soul? heart? Okay, I think I've mentioned enough. lol
Reasons behind the self meditation thingy? Umm, how do I say this. Okay, technically it just occurs to me that things don't always go or stay the way we want it or
the way we imagine it to be? I have this assumption or shall I say belief, that when I have beautiful pictures of future of something, they are not going to take place eventually? Like I get excited and all giddy because of the things that I wish and think would happen but in the end I got myself down to the drain? Certain people say that I am being way too negative. I am a negative thinker. okay, i admit that. but seriously, I just so detest the feeling of taking certain things for granted and in the end they eat me, bit by bit. So, yeah, better be prepared. I'm not strong, not that strong. Though I know I've been through the worst but still, they do not make me that powerful or strong. They just after all, make me be careful? we learn from experience and learn not to do the same mistakes?
Okay, I feel like I pretty much mumble.
sigghhh. Honestly, I am not quite sure what am I really feeling at the moment. I was not really okay weeks ago. I went through a phase where I ashamedly admit, being totally weak and helpless? powerless. and yeah, those moments were totally sucks. anyway, i needed to get up. so yeah. i'll do my best to be okay. insya Allah. no one is gonna truly help me if I don't sort myself out. im sure every cloud has its own silver lining and things just happened. I just need to go with the flow. things happen for reasons. im not giving up, not really i'd say but i just don't think i own the power to make things go the way i want. so, i'd expect less and less, get myself prepared for the worst and try to care less. i defeat.
So for now, Im gonna stick with this self meditation thingy till i am entirely okay. i should know by now not to take anyone or anything for granted. and never ever be sure that things gonna stay the same in the future. i should learn my lesson now.
I am not mad, i am not. I just feel seriously defeated and helpless. And i just want to be okay. And i think insya Allah I am getting better by day. Keeping everything to ourselves is proven not a good idea. i love my mom, my family and my dear fellows who give me reasons to laugh and be okay. :) It is just good to laugh merrily and sincerely. it is one of the right ways to take our mind off things.
Okay, enough spilling out. I am looking forward for this coming weekend. I really think I'd manage to take my mind off certain things better during this coming weekend. Frankly speaking, I pretty much appreciate company these days. I am craving for things to do and places to go. :) Cohort 3 family, I'd surely be bored during the semester break *
sighh.
Just a piece of reminder to myself, do not think about those who can't be there for us, think about those other who love and appreciate us better :)
Salam, happy fasting, have a good Ramadhan :)
